This is TWWN’s first go at a regular column. I wanted to end that statement with an exclamation point, but let me earn it from you. Let’s take stock of the nerd week thus far in all it’s facets, shall we?
Sunday – Besides the geek thrill of seeing the first re-animated corpse to win a Super Bowl (sorry Peyton Manning) and then proceed to nosh at the actual Papa John’s face (not sorry Peyton Manning, wt hell was that?) Sunday also gave us the real cultural touchstone: commercials and trailers. And I guess tacos and pizza if you were lucky.
But speaking of winning and pizza this Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows clip is the gold standard if anything remains of your 7 year old heart.
In 2016 we’re getting a TMNT movie with Bebop, Rocksteady, Baxter Stockman, Casey Jones and holy shit, Krang. And what I’m pretty sure looked like the Technodrome. I repeat, all of those words I just used are not gibberish and will be happening for real and sometimes portrayed by Tyler Perry on a screen near you this year.
Other trailers, like Bourne were great, others were CG hodgepodges like Independence Day or X-Men Apocalypse, but the best Captain America: Civil War trailer, and generally speaking, commercial of the night was actually this spot for Coke featuring Hulk and Ant-Man duking it out for a can of the formerly cocaine cola (know your history). Twenty years ago super-models sold us the carbonation, today it’s a superhero that even a year ago people had almost no familiarity with. That’s pretty cool.
Monday – Sales of Red Lobster spike by 33% after Beyonce’s mention of them both in the release of her new single “Formation” on Saturday and more importantly, her performance of it during the Super Bowl halftime show. That’s the power of culture and as far as I can tell the first such story since sales of shwarma spiked after “The Avengers” in 2012, inevitably setting up an Avengers vs Beyonce future storyline. Except probably not, although that would be fun. To Rudy Giuliani’s surprise there’s no similar spike in enrollment for the Black Panthers or Malcom X’s rising from the dead. Similarly social injustice is not righted nationwide, unfortunately.
In more united news The Force Awakens officially goes over two billion dollars worldwide over the weekend becoming only the third film to ever do so and the only one not called “Titanic” or (barf) “Avatar,” but putting it in an iceberg’s distance of the big ship’s total.
Tuesday – The week heats up. Spielberg hears Star Wars VIII’s Luda like chants of “Move, bitch get out the way” and the anticipated Ready Player One runs from December 2017 to March 2018. PS. If you are a nerd and have not read Ready Player One, or if you consider yourself a person even, get to it.
Johnny Depp is cast as the unseen one in The Invisible Man giving his scarves a chance to finally take center stage, and showing that Universal is not messing around with their monster franchise relaunches.
The Fast/Furious series uses Nox to chase Charlize Theron into playing the female villain of the next entry. Presumably off her badass performance in “Mad Max: Fury Road.” Imagine what she could bring to the role using two arms!
Wednesday – PANIC. ALL IS LOST. Reality TV star and Late Night TV running gag Donald Trump actually wins the New Hampshire primary the night before, re-cementing his place as the Republican frontrunner. Your Grandpa who went to Woodstock, Bernie Sanders, firmly takes the win on the Democrats end.
Without too deep a geek dive into primary math at the moment it’s still unlikely either of these gentlemen will be the final candidates of their parties, but, and cross your fingers, if the Republicans go into a brokered convention later this year it will be the blockbuster of the summer. It may also be worth nerd-noting that Rubio protestors have starting dressing like robots and that at least all the politics brings a new Triumph the Insult Comic Dog classic sketch our way:
CONTINUED PANIC. Zoolander 2 is getting terrible reviews, saying even one man comedy life-preserver Will Ferrell can’t save it. Perhaps Zoolander was best left in our college DVD players?
In other, maybe saner? news, a Sonic the Hedgehog live action/animation hybrid movie is announced by Sony and a Harry Potter sequel book to pair with the stage play “The Cursed Child” is confirmed.
Thursday – Kanye West drops his still untitled album with an in theater nationwide event that simulcasts both a Madison Square Garden concert and the release of his new fashion line. The tickets are the most expensive ever offered for a trip to the movies, selling for as much as 631 dollars and at minimum 25. The internet waits with baited breath to see if Amber Rose will give the show a “thumbs up.” Spoiler alert: although ridiculous, tickets already sold out a week ago.
Friday- Deadpool opens! Look for a box office prediction article Friday but thanks to solid reviews and bottled up anticipation Deadpool is certain to win an unusually crowded Valentine’s Day weekend. Many hearts and fourh walls will be broken while at the same time Ryan Reynold’s career might actually be restored.
Saturday – Melissa McCarthy hosts SNL with Kanye debuting new music. No Bernie Sanders this week, presumably, but this is a great opportunity to catch up on last week’s missed homework: this epic “Bern Your Enthusiasm” Larry David sketch:
There’s also a chance that with the new Ghostbusters cast all in one place we’ll be treated to first footage, keep your eyes peeled and streams uncrossed.
Your Mid-Week Crisis Impulse Purchase:
The sanctioned Adventure Time Enchiridion, paired with Marceline The Vampire Queen’s notebook that fully flesh out the land of Ooo’s mythology from the absolutely amazing and joy inducing Cartoon Network show and cultural phenomenon. BONUS — It’s 75% off and only six bucks for a limited time!! BONUS BONUS — It’s actually written in part by Olivia Olson, the actress who plays Marceline and sang “All I Want For Christmas Is You” in Love, Actually! And probably needs your six bucks.
Okay that’s the round up for now as I should probably go back to my, what’s it called? Oh yes, job!